I love my parents sounds like a confession in a terrible crime
About it in polite society do not speak. Don’t tell over a Cup of coffee, the feeling – or rather, his absence – quickly trying to cover up a polite smile and hide away from prying eyes. «I do not love their parents” sounds like a confession in a terrible crime.
Why this is so
Once we first take offense to dad and mom. Someone brought up in Spartan conditions, someone took out a daily fatigue, someone suffered from neglect and constant employment of parents. Under-loved, unhappy children, who for years harbored resentment, and then just too tired to fight for parental attention, – this one category.
The other – those who had enough of the excessive care and love. Psychologists have many clients who happened to grow up with my mother and grandmother and from experience to experience unbearable heaviness of their love. They dream of escape from the family, but the sense of duty makes to stay. They are constantly taught how to live, what to think, whom to choose as friends. And, barely openevsys, these children run away – first in a student dormitory, then to another city… the country… on another planet. Call out only on holidays and life are already familiar with the goods – dislike mixed with guilt and remorse.
Brutally? Maybe. But honestly. You can suffer in silence or try to make a few simple steps – steps forward.
Step 1. General cleaning
In psychoanalysis there is a term – “primordial duty”. He talks about the strongest sense of guilt, which forever binds us to our mother and father. We parents owe their birth, and therefore must be obedient children. This feeling of guilt sometimes forces us to abandon the dream, blame myself for any mistake and earn parental approval. After all, we are from childhood accustomed to the idea that only love obedient daughters.
Of adding fuel to the fire society with the ideas of FILIAL affection. That’s just make love impossible. And instill warm feelings with the help of abstract debt will not either. On the contrary, the more we will inspire thoughts about the debt, the louder speak our inner, ever-rebellious teen. And he will say this: “I didn’t ask for me to give birth! I don’t owe nobody!”
Treatment begins with the diagnosis, cleaning – with all the stuff piled up and the room atmosphere is a terrible mess. Relief from difficult feelings begins when we admit them. And admit that you have a right to them. Teen-rebel happier adults, because at least he can openly get angry and shout.
Step 2. Labyrinth of reflections
In NLP it is believed that all our surroundings – only mirrors of different size and format in which we are reflected in all its glory. From this point of view, the dislike for parents – hidden dislike to him. We reject those closest to you for those qualities that can’t accept in ourselves, and just trying to escape from them. Stop communicating with their parents – close the door tightly to the “I” that don’t want to see.
For example, the daughter dreams of becoming an actress from home and ready to escape from the constant review of mom and dad: “Down to earth. Find yourself a normal, stable operation. When you grow up?” Escape will not solve anything, because the comments are so hurt her, – only her internal monologue, voiced by parents. She deep down believes the dream child and naive, she blames herself in a protracted childhood.
You can’t take in their parents? Open your eyes, admit that all these unpleasant qualities, you can easily find yourself in. And parents will gradually cease to be the source of all problems, because we’re not mad at the mirror for unimportant appearance?
Step 3. To stop running.
We from childhood accustomed to the “ostrich” the way to solve problems. Close your eyes and rest assured that immediately hid from the world. Skip school, not to get the “deuce” on the control. To part with a young man, because it is not easy to agree on a compromise. Maintain relationships with the parents on the course in a couple thousand miles, because I could not find a common language with them.
To leave and be limited to two calls per year – not the solution. Just because unfulfilled love is not going anywhere, and resentment can only slightly dampen. Millions of people around the world hang up and sad sigh: “No, mom is not changed. ” And return to his life, which left no room mother, and along with all of these worries.
Problems between people in the distance. To hear another person, you need to start a conversation. In order to understand others ‘ feelings, is on time to escape from their own. There is a solution, but it’s in the dialogue – conversations, emails, and regular calls. And escape with a heavy suitcase all your offense – a questionable decision.
Step 4. To find the best format
You cannot build a relationship on a template, you cannot create a family, focusing on the perfect picture from the infomercial. We should love our parents, but how these relations should look like in reality? The standard option includes Mimosas for March 8 and tie on February 23, nightly calls and broad smiles of the family photos. But it’s more like a duty gestures without a drop of sincerity.
Don’t be fooled, if a standard option you not a bit satisfied. You should find the best format, because the relationship of the daughter and mother, daughter and father – it is the whole world. Forget about all the glossy images of the ideal family, if for you personally there’s not a shred of truth. Your relationship can be like a friendship or collaboration, they may well not have the supernatural intimacy that is written about in the novels. But it will be yours, only your relationships, your family Union. And through this Union you will gradually learn a lot – to talk, to listen and to be silent, to control emotions and negotiate. And once to replace the offense will come the long-awaited heat.
Why is it so important to understand
Perhaps you believe that all is not so scary. But there is one “but”: from unloved children grow up to be unloving parents.
This creates the proverbial vicious circle with the lack of love, which is inherited from generation to generation.
Someone needs to stop this running in circles, take a step and get closer to such a “stranger-native” person. Because by and large, true love cannot be forced or out of duty. And with my parents we and without obligation associated with the most durable in the world of communication.